Joke Quotes

* I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin
* So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
-- Tommy Cooper
* My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
-- Bob Monkhouse
* In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson
* I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
-- Billy Connolly
* A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime."
-- Sam Ewing
* If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones
* I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
-- Milton Berle
* A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
-- Jerry Dennis
* I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
-- Victoria Wood
* I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
-- Jack Benny
* With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips
* I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
-- Monica Piper
* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
-- Frank Carson
* What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.
-- Anonymous
* My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
-- Steven Wright
* I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
-- Eric Sykes
* Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig
* When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey
* I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. -- Rodney Dangerfield
* I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
* My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
-- Wendy Leibman
* Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
-- Rodney Dangerfield
* So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
-- Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990)
* I was born in Alabama. I was raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a 12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his.
-- Brett Butler
* I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.
-- Milt Kamen
* I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23."
-- Max Kauffmann
* I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
-- Garry Shandling
* When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
-- Jeff Shaw

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. -- Jimmy Carter
* The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
-- Ronnie Barker (from the Two Ronnies, 1972, BBC)
* A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
-- Tommy Cooper
* I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
-- Tommy Cooper
* I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
-- Spike Milligan
* French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in.
-- Ronnie Corbett (from the Two Ronnies)
* Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
-- Billy Connolly
* We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.
-- Gene Perret
* I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.
-- Henry Youngman
* Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
-- Henry Youngman